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I Gamble s Va udeville Journal I 

£ A BOOK OF CLEVER VAUDEVILLE MATERIAL | 

ft Sketches, Acts, Monologues and Parodies § 

f . * 

ft Written by E. L. Gamble ^ 

I i 



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PRICE 50 CENTS 

Copyright 1911 by E. L. Gamble 



V THE STAGE PUB. CO, •:< I AST LITERPOOL, C. * 

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gown — low 



•■A DETECTIVE STORY.'' 

Exclusive Comedy Sketch. Written by 
Edward L. Gamble. 
Full stage -Parlor settings. Bosk It. J. 

• 'AST 

Jimmy Reyaiolds A Detecei^e 

Miss Gale .a < :iever Giil 

Costume -Jimmy Reynolds — Loud check 
suit—tan shoes with spats — green slouch 
hat— gloves ami can. Pocket dark lan- 
tern. 

-Miss Gal€ — Dark ev. 
'•in. etc. 

Curtain- Darkened stage. Jimmy Rey- 
nolds found at <•. L>. with lighted dark 
lantern in hand. Bus of crossing ovei 
to i: in examine locked disk — thru doss- 
es to R. to examine all furniture, etc., 
with dark lantern.) 

Jimmy Reynolds — (As lights are tui n 
■-(I mi) — "1 guess I'm in tut- rignl place 
all right, fur I havent discovered that 
I'm not. This sleuth job suits yours 
truly from the top floor down. I'm now 
em a clue that can't go astray so its up 
to me." 

Enters .Miss Gale C. D.,— "What on 
earth are you doing here .sir?" 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of giving jump 
and turning quickly upon tier) — "t-er- 
have business here.' I Bus. oi concealing 
' et lantern.) 

Miss Gale — "J hank you for not troub- 
ling us. Some men are so much nun 
considerate than others." (Bus. of 
ing up towards him.) 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of taking off 
hat and bowing) — "You see maaam thai 
l have the pleasure ot being the asses- 
sor." 

-Miss ( iale i Bus. of clasping hand i 

"Oh. how glad papa, would be to see you 
As he is not in — " 

Jimmy Reynolds -"It doesn't matter in 
tlie least. ion can give me alt tne in- 
formation ! am after." 

Miss Gale — "I thought perhaps you 
one of the robbeis wno ar>3 now 
infesting the city." 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of back-step- 
ping as he lakes out note-booki — "JNOW 
what is your piano worth— my young 
lady'/' 

Miss Gale — "Nothing at all sir — noth-* 
ing at all." 

Jimmy Reynolds -(Bus, of dropping 
canne, and hat) — "What's u i;i>. I dident 
1 came her- from a bug-house." 

Miss Gale— (Bus. of shaking her finger 
in his face)— "Remember young man mat 
you are asking these questions and 1 
am answering them. I have always said 
that i would make a good business wo- 
man — and here's the chance to up and 
prove it to dad." 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of backing 
away from hen — "Just as you say — but 
you needent take my head oft' abou. it." 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of tucking up his 
things to hand him cane and throw hat 
upon chair) — "You may now put down 
the chairs, tames and other such furni- 
ture at fifteen dollars and feel mighty 
glad that i allowed you that much. Be- 
ing as you are ;l nice man I will now be 
more liberal." 

Jimmy Reynolds — "And-er-how many 
is there in the family and how much 
are they worth each." 

Miss Gale — "Just you wait until I ca.1! 
till father, for I'm not not a going to 
Stay here with no escaped Lunatic." 
(Bus. "f cross over to telephone L. I.) 

Jimmy Reynolds— (Bus. of following 
her) — "Oh I say — I must have my little 
joke you know. I'm sane enough to 
stay out of a limy joint for a million 
years." 

Miss (Iale (Bus. of turning upon him) 

"Then reduce that furniture ave dol- 
lars and I won't call him up. My *-**■« 
is both a strong and dangeri 
when aroused." 

Jimmy Reynolds -"I shall 
give you a discounl off th 



to me. The next 
be cnaigcd up with 
so wno will ne tile 



ii wi TMP92-009277 



for your Kindness 
house 1 go to can 
in diffei ence and 
wiser? 

Miss Gale — "Do you know that I am 
fi'igntened to death any more over the 
reports of this jewelry stealing that has 
been going on m this neign^ornood. i 
have a swell collection of diamonds and I 
would, nt have them taken lor worlds." 

Jimimi Reynolds— (Bus. of ^dropping 
cane) — "Say, diamonds are my hooDy 
and I'd like to take a peep a t your, if 
J i hi don't mind." 

Miss Gale— (Bus. of throwing up hands) 
"Oh there I've done it. ^ ou see there 
is only a few common stones i.iat you 
can put down at twenty five. 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus of making 
note) — " Twenty five hundred, a., right. 
But if you'll dazzle my eyes with those 
stones once I may give you a bargain 
price on the lot."' 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of stamping foot)— 
"You can't treat me i.Ke a millionaire 
sir. for I won't have such nonsense. Be- 
ing as you are SO anxious to see my jewel 
ry I'll keep them locked up in tneir 

stanie." 

( Tr-lep.ione bell rings.) 

Miss Gale — -(Bus. of answering) — "Hel- 
lo, is that you dad. What's that. You 
don't mean it now. uh yes 111 know 
him all right. Me forgot to slop and see 
Jennie. ill know him dad never fear. 
All right dad.. I'll watch out for tile 
ti iek< of cousin Jack, for .. s here now. 
• i bye." 

Jimmy Reynolds — Bus. of turning a- 
round several times; — "I must be leav- 
ing — what's that, he's here now." 

.Miss (lab — i Bus of throwing her arms 
around his neck to kiss him) — "Oh you 
big tense cousin Jack. i on will fool 
I lessie < iale my assessor.' 

Jimmy Reynolds— "Oh, this is so sud- 
den." — (BUS. of returning' affection.) 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of Holding him off 
at arms length) — "Though 1 havent seen 
you Jack since you wera a little boy — 
and 1 was a littlier girl — I should have 
known yi iu anyw 

Jimmy Reynolds — "Bid you see me 
when I was a little boy?' 

Miss (Iale (Bus. of shaking him) — 
"Now stupid none of your practical pokes 
which dad says are so fond of. Now 
how are nil the folks down in old Bos- 
ton V" 

Jimmy R lynolds- -Jtms. of turning 
around twice) — "Oh they have all bean 
so well that none of the doctors will 
now speak of them." 

Miss" Gale — "And when is Marj going 
to marry Harry?" 

Jimmy Reynolds — "As soon as the min 
ister pronounces them man and wife." 

\M/s Gale — (Bus. of stamping foot) — "If 
\ f "havent any brains Jack why don't 
you go to the butchers and order some?" 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of taking up 
cane to lean on it) — "If I di<a they 
would only worry .me by rattling so. If 
there is any other service miss, that 
the information bur an can render you 
please go to the other window." 

Miss Gab — (Bus. of clapping hands) — 
"Oh I just happened to think Jack of 
a nice joke I'm playing on you. My 
girl chum Ma.be! is just crazy over you 
now and your a going to propose to her 
before you 1 ave town." 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of cane slip- 
ping and letting him fall upon stage) — ■ 
"Set 'em up in the other alley." 

Miss Gale — (Bus of laughing) — "There 
no use of your trying to slip away from 
me like that. I've told Mabel about you 
so much b.at she simply fell in love 
with you — though you did refuse to send 
Q set her wild wicu." 

\s — (Bus of getting up)— 
me any wrong so why 
pvild? i mi seem as fond 



: ©CI.A304885 *K*f 



of playing practical yokes on -innocent 
people as your cousin jacK is. 

Miss wale — vrsus. of clasping nands)— 
"She s a perfect dream JacK— with ner 
goiden tresses, blue eyes and mlassic 

laee. . ' 

jimmy Reynolds — (Bus of mocking lien 
"And I'm a perfect dream of a nightmare. 

B-sides I'm engaged fo another dream." 
Miss Gale— (Jtsus of tnrowing oul nands) 
"Whats mat! Why you wiole me you 
had no girl, .so you Had better waKe up 
at once tiom that otner dream. 

Jimmy Keynoids "My letters are my 
practical joK.es. This girl mat I now 
love is — " 

Miss Gale— (Bus. of clapping her hands 
in his face as h- hacks up co trip over 
cane and nearly fall to let cane ^rop.— 
"Book here Jack Severs— yon cant go 
against my plans for one minute.'' 

Jimmy Keynoids — (Bus of falling into 
chair) — "If Mabel is as spirited as he* 
chum then its poor John lor yours truly ' 

Miss Gale — "Here 1 had it all planned 
out so you needen't try to spo.. it all 
young man I can assure you." 

Jimmy Reynolds — "i suppose you even 
had the day set for the weuuing and 
was selping Mabel to select her trous- 
seau." 

M.ss Gale — -(Bus. of taking up cane to 
swiss carpet with it) — "I could just cry 
for disappointment you mean tlimg. But 
there you shant spoil it. — 1 1 .us. ui shak- 
ing cane at him.) — "not if my name is 
Bessie Gale." 

Jimmy Keynoids — (Bus. of attitude of 
prayer)' — "Blease give me a few moments 
m which to cohsiaer this proposition be- 
fore bringing death upon my innocent 
head." 

Miss Gale — "Then promise to try and 
win the love of Mabel and I s.iad give 
you respite." 

Jimmy Reynolds — "Whats the use of 
trying to win her love 1 say wnen you 
said she was head over heels in love 
with me alreadj i 

Miss Gale — "that was from descrip- 
tion, and not acquaintance. Now I shall 
waltz you over to her house mis very 
evening and put you on exhibition in 
person as I have in mind pictures. 

Jimmy Reynolds — "Wlien do we start 
on the road with this side-show please'.'' 

Miss Gale — "Your a monkey enough to 
draw a good crowd even at that." 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus of rising to feet 
to yawn) — "I cannot worry my tender 
conscience for the rest of my existanoe 
Bessie, by dazzling another girl with my 
charms when another has infatulated 
me for keeps." 

Miss Gale — -"Ask for anything you wish 
and make the attempt." 

Jimmy Reynolds — "Well then dear con 
sin if you'll show me those diamonds of 
yours I'll waltz over to her house with 
you." 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of clapping hands)-— 
"That's great. You just feast your eyes 
on the baubles as long as you please." 
(Bus of crossing over to desk.) 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of ditto)— 
"Your dad must have made you a pres- 
ent of these imatators of glass just late- 
ly Bess." 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of unlockig and open 
ing desk to display her jewel box) — "He 
just brought these to me yesterday as 
a birthday present. Y r ou know my age 
sweet sixteen — but I forgot to tell you 
about it." 

Jimmy Reynolds — '"If you should any 
of them missing upon my departure just 
blame it on the cat." 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of opening case to 
show him gems — "Now wouldent it give 
you some blindness to get one glimpse of 
"these beauties?'' 

Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of eagerly ex 
amining same. — "They make my hands 
water to wear 'cm." 



.Miss Gal( — "1 just cried over them, I 
was so happy." 

Jimmy Keynoids -"Many a chap I know 
would turn them into paste in no time." 
Miss Gale — "Now where did you be- 
come acquainted with all these magicians 
Jack'.'." 

Jimmy Reynolds— (Bus. of laughing)— 
''Your so innocent that a babj would 
smile with blushes that a baby would 
Put those baubles away Miss Gale for 
they might have wings." — (Bus. of wav- 
ing hand toward them.) 

Miss Gale— (Bus of petting them, then 
locking case and closing desk to lock 
it) — ."Arent they the dearest things on 
earth?" 

Jimmy Reynolds — "From my point of 
viey they may prove to someone to be 
on that order." 

Miss Gale — "Dad must have spent a 
a pile on them — and I know he couldent 
hardly afford them — but he's so fond of 
me." 

Jimmy Reynolds— ."I cant say that I 
blame him much. But these expensive 
presents are not always best." 

Miss Gale- -"What would you have him 
give me — a plain band ring'.'" 

Jimmy Keynoids — "Lets talk of things 
pleasank. Docs Mabel look anything 
like her dear chum?" 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of clasping hanus-^-' 
'Mi. shes a thousand times more beau- 
tiful .than me." 

Jimmy Reynolds— "Then she will make 
a fortune by simply entering in the beau 
ty shows. Don't tempt me to throw down 
that other girl." 

(Crash as of broken ware frob rear 
wings) 

• Bus. of loth rushing to G. ]) i 
Miss Gala— "I'll wager that young Lu- 
lu has broken every dish in the entire 
house." 

Jimmy Reynolds— "It sounds to me like 
she had borrowed all the neigh- 
bors also." 

Miss Gale— "I shall go and learn the 
worst." 

Jimmy R eynolds— "Save the pieces for 
Mabel and I to start housekeeping- with." 
(Bus. of coming up to C. to stand ariu 
run hand through hair. )— "Now isn't this 
a pretty pickle for a sleauth to be in. 
I must c-all up headquarters and tell them 
of the affair." (Bus. of crossing over to 
telephone ) — "Hello central, give me 752 
Central. There not busy— what a mir_ 
acle!" Hellow Mr. Jackson — this is Jim- 
my Keynoids— I'm on the tran of that 
diamond robbery case — I followed the 
girl here by that braid spangles and the 
gems are here all right. Talk about In- 
nocence—I don't see how she is mixed 
up in the affair honest.— Yep— thats the 
gems all right — whats that icm on th ■ 
trail— but he's all off and I'm O. K. \\ . I 
call later — so long." (Bus. of cio. i, 
over whistling. .—"What do vou think , 
that. This sleuth business would tangio 
up the wisest guy on the market." 

( Knters C. D. Bessie Gale) — "Oh, s: e 
only broke about half of those in the 
china closet which she happened to 
knock over!" 

Jimmy Reynolds — "Thats splendid 
news— but alas she will finish her -job 
never fear." 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of coming up to C) — 
"I broke your cane Jack, but vou don't 
mind, do you?" 

Jimmy Reynolds— < Bus. of staggering) 
"Not in the least. 1 was going to throw 
it away anyhow." 

Miss Gale — "Look here uoy — you was- 
ent calling up that other girl on the 
phone was you?" 

Jimmy Reynolds — "Honest injun — cross 
my heart — never." 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of clasping him by 
arm) — "You'll give Mabel a diamond ring 
as large as that one I showed you — now 



wont you?" ,._, 

jimn Oh-er-just a littler 

n't mind." 

(telephone rin 

!us of crossing over to 
answer) — "If -she asks for you I'll say 
vour not here. Hello, yes this Is Bess. 
Whats tha H ■ ■'■ eloped with Will 

Hampton. Well, 1 never! ies, I'll come 
in the morning-— good-bye." 

Jimn olds -(Bus. of throwing up 

hands)— "Oh what shall I do?" 

Miss Gale -"Oh Jack. Mabel has elop- 
, ,1. iming over to throw her- 

self in his arms) 

Jimmy Reynolds (Bus of soothing 
"I can survive the jhock a usin — so don't 
take it so hard.' 

Miss Gale (Bu reaking away; — 

"She's a mean thing to treat us that way 

and I don't care if she doas get married 

Will, rie's all right — 

but he's not my cousin." 

Jimmy Reynolds— "Neither am I — I-er 
m< a n v\ ha t's the use to cry." 

Miss Gale (Bus of stamping foot) — 
"Oh I'll tell her a few things when I 
ni'i'i h r never fear." 

Jimmy Reynolds— "I have no misgiv- 
ings along that line. I don't like the 
name of Mabel anyway — so what's the 
odds." 

Miss Gale -"Oh to think that she never 
hinted at one word of this to me. How 
she took me in on that talk about you 
Jack. And here she has eloped on the 
very evening of your arrival. I don't 
think 1 li even congratulate her for be- 
ing so mean." I Bus. of putting hand- 
kerchief i" face and turning from audi- 
ence.) 

Jimmy Reynolds — i Eus. Of putting arm 
around her) "Never mind little cousin 
you can gel even by fooling her in the 
same way." 

tut 1 don't want to elope 
and leave dad." 

Jimmy Reynolds - 'Tnen you can just 
Lad along with you." 

Miss Gale— I Bus. of breaking away; — 
I you be serious for one minut 

! am so disappointed 
that 1 could bite nails in two — anu take 
it all as a good joke.'' 

Jimmy Reynolds (Bus. of putting hand 
eaft).— "But believe ma Bess that i 
am only hiding my real feeling under 
a mask of mirl 

(Telephom i i 

Mis • lali - i Bus ■■: 
"Hello, is thai I. What that. 

Jack caught in the rain and staying at 
uncle i Whj h j's hei e now . He 

can't be. Then its an imposter. 

I. Hello-central cut 
off co 

Jinn Oi tinning' a- 

ur finish .1 

01 

him) — 'a»h you mean thing Sou are 
, lack — than who are you'.' 

Jirrrmy tJ 1 never said I was 

youi cousin Jack It was you who 
:■ that eh, 
Miss ' rale i Bus. of starting back 
him) what you are 

made you so ovei 
anxious ti 
Jimmy Reynolds "You need ha - * 
: 

Mis - 

ing il to secun a 
not going to have mj 
shot." 
Jimmy R is. of throwing 

iii ■ your a good a> to 

all ugh. but ' fool me, my 

littli I 

if covering him with 

can march out of 

'his house my young friend in a hurry." 

Jimmy Bus. of springing 

et) "I say you needent go to ex- 



1 1-. emes in this matter." 

Miss Gale — "Only a coward would try 

to rob a lone woman and here I've been 

treating you like a gentleman. I can 

bite an entire keg of nails in two 

I'm mad and disappointed." 

Jimmy Reynolds — I Bus. of Hacking off 
from her with hands in air) — "If you will 
put down that advance agent of death 
we'll talk this matter over in a clam 
ma nner.' 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of advancing toward 
him) — "If think that I'm going to now 
take a chance with you your mistaken. 
Oh if cousin Jack or dad would only 
come wouldent you have a lovely time." 

Jimmy Reynolds — "Not any better time 
than I'm having now I can assure you 
Miss i . 

Miss Gale — "One should never be trap 
ped by appearances for I thought you a 
perfect dear — to find you this." 

Jimmy Reynolds— "Just hold that gun 
-up higher, the lead might roll out of it 
bj mistake".- (Bus. of falling over chair) 

Miss Gale— "You attend to the dancing 
and I'll play the piano." 

Jimmy Reynolds — "Then handle that 
mucis a little slower please." 

Miss Gale— "It would be better if 
step a little livelier." 
'I elephone rings) 

Jimmy Reynolds — "Thats for me 
of making break for telephone.)-^-"Hello, 
this is Jimmy. What! Tom found the 
diamonds and there— well what do you 
think of that — made of paste. Talk about 
getting in wrong. Hurry back — never." 

.Miss Gale— "Well, he hasent any nerve 
at all." 

Jimmey Reynolds—"! say now Miss 
Gale it looks like its up to me to ex- 
plain matters— nas I'm in wrong." 

Ah Gale (Bus. of throwing pistol on 
chair)— "You don't mean to say that 
you really turned my diamonds to paste 
sir." 

Jimni'. Reynolds (Bus. of confront- 
ing her to open coal and di plaj badge) — 
"I'm a private detective out on the trail 
of a robb ry ease. Well, we found strewn 
• a tire floor a bunch of | 
'. like a wise guy discovered today 
thai your dr._-.-s contained tnis very ar- 
t icle.' 

Miss Gale "So you thought you were 
a Sherlock Holmes — not stopping to con- 
that more than one woman can 
wear that kind of trimmin 

Jimmie Reynolds — "That the story, 
when I got next to your babbles that you 
had rei red but yesterday — which 
swered thedi scription of thos ■ stolen 
one- I , ' thoughl ! 'in dad — " 

Mis Bus. of clapping her h 

oung man 
dad would 
ah -pick." 

Jimn I to know 

i saw or youi 

dad in m\ life befo 

Miss Ga 

uch a thing to me in 

Jimmey Key; king 

awaj a n't you li 

point of \ i vv my dear 

.\li- 
girl a ml I think your tn I man 

meeting." 
.1 immey Reyi £ hould 

well ;.. storm 

all right. No need' to kick up 
ii 

nrprised if 
this wasent a i ut up job to get posses- 
sion of mj jewels by pretending this de- 
When I Let you get a 
you il know it." 
Jimn are of no 

me now . but come 

and be friends with i t.Btis. 

of holding out ha 



Miss Gale — (Bus. of turning away to 
snatch up revolver) — "I'll wager that its 
all a put up job so I'll hold you at bay 
until dad comes to inspect you." 

Jimmey Reynolds — "'As its pouring out 
there s no danger of him coming soon — 
so if you must hold me at the pistol point 
let us make up. This is all as straight 
as a die I'm. telling you girl. 

Miss Gale — "Cousin Jack won't take up 
this affair about Mlable like you dm. He 
is a perfect gentleman so doh't you dare 
go out and breathe a single word about 
what has happened here." 

Jimmey Reynolds — "If I escape with 
my life I'll be lucky. I think 1 had better 
look up a less strenuous job. Bob <;ill 
has a great place for me." 

.Miss Gale — (Bus. of coming up to him) 
"Why I know Bob Gill. ior he married 
an old chum of mine. What's your nam.' 
— mister detective?" 

Jimmey Reynolds — "Jimmey Reynolds — • 
at your service." (Bus. of bowing.) 

Miss Gale — (Bus. of throwing pistol up 
on chair) — ' Why I've heard him speak of 
you lots of times. We may as well let 
bygones be bygones." 

Jimmey Reynolds — "I second the mo- 
tion Miss Gale." (Bus. of shakim hands) 
Miss Gale — "The sun always snines bet 
ter after a storm you know — so our friend 
ship should be bright. I want to take 
back what I said to you as a detective 
and have you remember that I took you 
for my dear cousin." 

Jimmey Reynolds — "That was only a 
pretense to stay here and not go trailing 
off over there when I spoke of that other 
girl." 

Miss Gale — "Oh. that is better. I was 
just thinking-er-" 

Jimmey Reynolds — (Bus. of taking her 
hands) — "Do you know that as soon as 
I entered this room I fen in love with 
you. But we detectives find women who 
look as innocent an angels and are — well 
not built that way. Now Maoel did play 
a mean trick on you." 

Miss Gale — "I'll get even with that 
young lady never fear. 

Jimmey Reynolds — "Then say for a lark 
we get even in the same way — you and 
I tomorrow night." 

Miss GaK; — "If the moon is shining j. 
will do it. We can got much farther than 
Mabel will in this storm." 

Jimnn\ R ynolds — "Two lovers in a 
closed carriage don't mind the weather 
at least 1 can assure you. With you to- 
night 1 would be perfectly happy." (Bus 
of taking her in his arms) 

Miss Gale — "I'm glad you hit on this 
trail, Jimmey." 

Jimmey Reynolds— "Th .■ greatest sleuth 
on earth never struck tne lucky trail 
1 found Bess— the honey-moon trail." 
Curtain. 



"SIGN THE PLEDGE" 
Written by B. L. Gamble 

tie Darling Home. Time pr s- 
ent. 

Settings. Parlor settings, Property 
Couches covered with cushions at R. and 
L. Several large fake snakes h. among 
cushions on both couches and one under 
center table. 

Costume — Marie Darling, dressed gir>- 
ishly in white. BJlaine H|olmes — ■ Full 
evening dress. 
Cast- 
Marie Darling The Charmer 

Blaine Holmes A Live Wire 

Curtain. 

(Enters C. D. Blaine Holmes in ine- 
briated condition, just returning from 
club. Advances to C. and stares around 

Blaine Holmes — "Well. now. hie. what 
do you know about this? This here 
shack just looks our from the outside 
and my skeleton key opened the door. 
Oh say, hie. this is a joke, but I gu ss 



I'll rest for a few minutes anyway, so 
lets have a little light on the subject." 
(Business of turning up lamp on' Cen- 
ter table, lights up stage.) 

Blaine Holmes — -"Hie. that couch looks 
all right." (Staggers over to coin I L. R 
and takes seat, takes off hat, then rise!t 
and slowly takes off long coat with 
effort, andt hrows both on a chair, takes 
s at. ' As his hand touches snake gets 
restless, makes sure of what it is and 
i ising gingerly edges away from couch.) 
(Enters R. D. Marie Darling who trips 
in to confront Blain with cry of sur- 
prise, as he bumns into h r and jumps 
into air with an "Ugh.") 

Marie Darling — "Well did you ever. 
Where on earth did you come from sir.?" 
Blane Holmes — (with low how) — "I beg 
your pardon a thousand times, my pretty 
miss, hie, but I'm delighted to meet you." 
Marie Darling — (Drawing herself up 
frigidly — "Now haven't you the nerve. 
Please explain why you are in this house 
at this late hour?" 

Blaine Holmes — "My dear girl, your 
house had no business looking just like 
ours, on the next street, and my skele- 
ton key had no, hie. no business open- 
ing your door." (Glances at couch etc.) 
Marie Darling — (Laughlingly) — "Oh, so 
your just a plain drunk. I s j e. My fath- 
er does not get home until very late so 
that is why I am still up. Now why 
are you looking at my couch in that 
stealthy way." 

Blane Holmes — (With Guilty Surprise) 
— "Why er, yes. you see I just was wond 
ering if it was inhabited." 

Marie Darling — (Laughlingly — "Oh my, 
your certainly a funny fellow. Are you 
married ?" 

Blaine Holmes — (Bowing) — "Not guil- 
ty, thank you. I've havent met the girl 
yet whose good enough for me." 

Marie Darling — (Skipping over and tak 
ing a seat on couch R)— "M y.but you 
will certainly have a hard time of it 
finding her. And 1'iii afraid thai aftei 
wards she will have a hard time of it 
keeping track of you." 

Blaine Holmes — 'Slowly edging toward! 
her)— "We're both pretty good jokers. 
Do vmi konw, hie, I like you little girl. 
You know 1 could quit this drinking too 
much water if I wanted to." 

Marie Darling — "You are so original 

in your savings. Tak.' a seat please 

aur fare is paid." 

Blaine He'll).- "Now look here, hie, 

my name is Blaine Holmes, and you 

don't mind my standing up do you?" 

Marie Darling— "I ask you to be seat- 
ed, sir. This couch is tint the electric 
chair, and this is net leap year, so sit 

: \v : i 

Blaine Holmes (Taking seat and ris- 
ing two or three times, then plump down 
turns upon him.) — "This is awful 
inn it? Say, what's your name 
anvway?" (Fidgets abouts.") 

Marie Darling- "My name sire is Ma- 
rie Barling, and no comments on the 
Darling piease." 

Blaine Holmes — (Laughling and slap- 
ping knee "Now that's too comical for 
werds. 1 was just going to say some- 
thing about Darling." 

Marie Darling — "You'd he a nice man 
if veu dident drink." 

Blaine Holmes — (Leaning back on 
couch and catching hold of snake jumps 
ie t'e t with a yell and throws snake 
hack of couch.) — "Oh, gee, but I'm scar- 
ed Marie.' 1 

Marie Darling— (Rising)— "Say Mr. 
Holmes, whats the matter with you I'd 
like to know." (Catchesh im arm and 
shakes him. ) 

Blaine Holmes — (Dragging her farther 
from couch) — "Burr, did you so- that 
t'it'lv toot snake Marie?" 

Marie Darling — "Why man your seeing 



things for sure. There's no snakes 
around here other than those in vour 
imagination." 

Blaine holmes "Then I've got the 
snakes. Oh why do I drink?" (Runs 
hands through hair and breaking- losi 
rambles around room.') 

.Maii.- Darling— (Following him)— "If 
you will never touch another drop then 
you Will never see another snake Blaine. 
Sign the pledge." 

(Business of Blaine discovering side 
board and taking up decanter takes a 
long' pull at it. th.-n spits and sputters, 
dancing about.) 

Marie Dai ling — (Throwing herself into 
chair and laughling heartily) — ' oh your 
drinking the vinegar and sauces Blaine. 

Blaine Holmes — "Brrrr, tthats worse 
than the snakes. Oh my mouth I'll nev 
er touch another (hop. without looking 
at the label again." 

Marie Darling— "Oh dear, your such 
a funny f How. 

Blaine Holm.es — ■ (Confronting her in 
anger)— "If you want to have a laugh 
why dont you go to a show and pay 
for it?" 

Marie Darling— "Then why don't you 
cut out seeing snakes and drinking ta- 
basco sauce? Oh dear, oh dear."" 

Blaine Holmes— (Edges up to table, 
then gives a leap in the air)— "Great Cea 
ser, what's on my foot. Brrr, there's 
snakes all around here." 

Marie Darling— (Rising)— "Why Blaine 
its all your imagination. Dont get excil 
ed. but jusi evert your will power" 
(Dances about him) 

Blaine I lolmes- 1 1; ac hing under tabli 
pulls up .snake, which he hastily throws 
back into place and beats it around ta 
b!e to front I "Saw now you 
girl, didenl I. hie, just now oick'up a 
snaki 

Marii Darling "Why you certainly did 
not sir. four simply having ahllucina- 
tions." 

Blaine.. Holmes — (Running. . hands 
through head) "Bj the ghost of my 
grandmother I'm seeing things right. 
What doctor, what doctor girl?" 

Alaiie Darling (Coming round and tak 
ing his ha ndi "Don'1 you know Blaine, 
that the moment you sign the pledge 
all these hallucinations will just fade 
away. Some men can drink and not 
make fools of themselves, but you an 
one of the men who simply can't' drink." 

Blaine Holmes — "Oh no. I can't drink." 

Marie Darling— (Laughing)— "You have 
simply got to sw.ar off all together, you 
bad boy. or you'll lie seeing worse than 
snakes later on. Its time you were look 
ing up some nice girl, you know, ami 
whal girl would marry such as you." 
(Shakes finger at him. I 

Blaine Holmes (Soberly shaking head 

up ami down) "Tliats just exactly right, 

bul I can'1 do Marie." 

Marie Darling (Tripping ovei ami 
taking seal on i. couch)— "Why certain- 
ly you cm Blaine. I've heard of your 
fathe! and mother- both worthy of .a 

g 1 son. wealthy and all that, so think 

it o\ er I 'la inc. 

I lla i in- I lolmes i Edging towai d couch 
alert i— "1 wonder if this couch lias am 
of 'em in it '.'" 

Marie Hailing "Why any place will 
themif you think so. I know that 
if you on,- • sign the pledge for me you 
will never ice 1 , it. so think of the 'old 
foiKs at home, then of that nice girl I 
was speaking of.'' 

Blaine Holmes -| don't know no nice 
girl only you. Say. your such a nice mil 
after all. bul say. 1 jusi cant do it. What 
would the boys ai the dub say?" (Takes 
sea i Inside her.) 

Marie Ha! ling "They'd say. What a 
foolish chap he is. don't you know, rath 
er queer of him not want to see more 



snakes again." 

Blaine Holmes — "Say. your the kidder 
all right, but your the only girl I'd listen 
to such stuff as this from. (Takes her 
hand i — "Marie. I think your the sweet- 
est girl what am. and I'd do anything 
in this world for you. honest injun." 
(Hets awkwardly down on knees be- 
fore her. ) 

Marie Darling — (Patting his head) — 
"My put this is so sudden. Now you 
just close your eyes and set' if you don't 
picture some other girl to whom you 
would the same wo. d.j you are about to 
say." 

Blaime Holmes — •(Closing eyes) — "I'll 
do just as you say Marie." 

Marie Darling — (Business of taking 
up fake snake and dropping it over his 
neck) — "Hut you wont sign the pledge 
for me." 

Blaine Holmes — (Business of .lumping 
to feet and dancing about wiih snake in 
hands at last rushing to side door and 
hurling out same.) 

Marie Darling — (Throwing herself full 
length on couch to laugh. "Oh you poor 
boy you've certainly got 'em Pail." 

Blaine Holmes — "Brrr. thatw as a real 
snake that was." 

Marie Darling — Jumping up to confront 
him and shake finger at him — "Why that 
was only your imagination again Blane. 
Vour seeing things, thats all so you had 
better do as I say." 

Blaine Holmes — (Stepping around gin- 
gerly, looking about and edging toward 
( '. DO— "This house may lie just asyou 
Say, but I'll try the street for mine." 

Marie Darling — (Laughlingly catching 
him by arm and pulling him hack as 
he readies C. D. ) — "You., see them out 
there worse than in here, you foolish 
boy. And you dident tell me what were 
going to. Now you wont leave me like 
this will you." (Pettingly coaxes him 
back to R. couch. I 

Mat ie I i.ii ling — ( Taking seat ) — "They 
would run you in out there seeing snakes 
and going without your hat and coat. 
You were telling me som thing you 
know, when that — that hallucination in- 
ter] llpteil US." 

Blaine Holmes — "The next hallucina- 
tion and I hoof it for other quarters. 
I'll go to jail and give myself tip and 
make 'cm lock 'em out." 

Ala lie laarling — "Oh you poor boy, :.1I 
that will do no good. 'Did you think of 
any other girl Blaine'.'" 

Blaine Holmes -"I can thing of no one 
but you Marie. (Gets down on knee and 
takes both her hands). "I want to tell 
you Marie that I love you as the one 
girl in the whole wide world.'' 

Marie Darling — "Yet you will let an- 
other snake scare you away from me, on 
I don't believe it." 

Blaine Holmes--"L:t em come, send a 
whole menagerie and I won't leave you 
my sweet Marie. Your the onlv girl in 
this world, and I want you to marry 
me." 

Marie Darling — "So you wont let a 
snake scare you away Blain >. You are 
beginning to convince me now. But I 
can never marry a man who drinks like 
a fish, so if you want me as your own 
thep ledg 

Blaine Holmes — (Jumping to feet and 
waxing arms, etc.) — "Then bring out 
your life pledge, and I'll sign it if you 
will marry me. No more snakes for 
yours truly." 

Ala He Darling — (Rising quickly and go- 
ing to table places paper ink etc with 
chair ready) — "Come ahead Blaine and 
sign the pledge, then I promise on my 
word to marry you." 

Blaine Holmes (Taking up his silk 
hat front chair and tossing it in air to 
catch it. etc. i — "Hjurrah. H'urrah, no 
more snakes for muh. and I win the 



sweetesl girl in thewhole world." (Busi- 
ness of lushing to table and writing out 
pledge to sign it. ) 

Mark; Parling — (Reading it) — "I hereby 
swear never to touch another drop of 
booze as long as I live, so God help me, 
signed Blaine Holmes. That's the way to 
be a rial sport Blaine, and you can 
have irrj hand." 

Blaine Holmes— (Jumping up and kiss 
fog hr hand) — "I'm glad I happened in 
here snakes and all. Oh you darling 
Searie 

Marie Darling — "And now I'll have to 
fess up Blaine, so don't lie angry. I so 
wanted you to sign the pledge that I play 
ed a trick on you." 

Blaine Holmes— "I don't care a snap of 
my finger what." 

Man ■ Darling — "My father is a great 
animal trainer, and while fixing new 
quarters he brought a cage of snakes 
and left them overnight in the next 
room. I guess they gol out, and so not 
being afraid of my pets I thought up 
this scheme in g t you to sign toe 
pledge." 

i. lame Holmes — "Well I'll be swindled 
Si> Tin stung." 

Marie Darling— (Holding out arms to 
Him) — "Xn your not stung." 

Blaine Holmes — (Taking her in aimsj- 
"No 1 in n ul stung." 

( 'uriain. 



"GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS." 

Talking Skit For Sister Team. Written 

By E. L, Gamble. 

Francis — "Its awful the way men stari 

at sou when you happen to have en ■> 

harem skirt." 

Dolly — "They would 3tare at you worse 

if 5 lidn't have on a harem skirt when 

your supposed to have one on." 

Francis — "I'm a saving up money foj 
a rainy day and I'b going to buy the 
sw llest silk stocking you ever looked 
at too.' 

Dolly — "1 gues you will get to marry 
that guy you go' with — for he is sure 
ugly enough to be desperat enough to 
marry you." 

Francis — "And the reason you are a 
suffragette is that you can't find a man 
who is ugly enough to lie desperate 
tgh." 
Dolly — "That reminds me of the gO\ - 
ernor of a state who visited the state 
prison and fount one of the prisoners 
tn lie the handsomest man he had evei 
laid eyes on. He found out that the man 
was serving a term for tunning off with 
a girl." 

Francis— "I'd like tn see him run of; 
with me." 

Dolly — "Well, the governor promised 
th.' man a pardon— for he said that th" 
ugly man was not to blame for he coulrt- 
ent be expected to get a wife in any oth- 
er way." 

Francis — "I dropped into a suffragette 
meeting for fun one day and th- speaker 
was saying that the day would soon come 
when women took the place of men and 
men took the place of women. Thus a 
woman would take up her husbands oc- 
cupation. An Irish woman from trie 
back shrieked "Arrah. and me husband 
a bod carrier?" 

Polly — "When I was a kid my sistei 
had a beau who one evening proposed tn 
her. She answered that she wouldenl 
marry tin- best man mi earth. Just th n 
from my hiding place I chined out— 'Whv 
sis. Aunt Amelia always savs that and 
just look at her now.' Sister took him. 

Francis — "I supnose you are quite an 
nimt bv this time?" 

Dollv — "Yes, sister had triplets net 
long ago." 



Francis— "And what on earth did they 
name them?" 

Dolly — "Their daddy named them tnst 
thing. He called them, Holy Smokes, 
Thunder and Lightning." 

Francis — "I don't blame him. I would 
made it stronger than that." 

Dolly— "My brother Jack claimed be 
had round a way to make diamonds out 
of coal but I told him that if he could 
find a way to make coal out of diamonds 
his fortune was made." 

Francis— "I had a brother who found 
a great way to make money, but thej 
sent lo a sanitarium of criminology tor 
ten years tor it." 

Dony— "What was your nicest present 
last < hristmas?" 

Francis— "Huh, a pitcher of frozen 
Lemonade flavored with limes 

Dolly— "Gee, I bet you telt like > ou 
had been stung with a bee as big as a 

° rrancis— "I did my hair up with mis- 
tletoe that eve oh you kid. 

Dolly— "I tell you a way for us to make 
some big money. Let us start a mat ri- 
monial bureau. There is all kinds o„ 

C °Sancis-"Not for muh. If we started 

a riot we would stand a better chance o 
I Long and happy life. Nowadays all 
would swear they were stung and then 
they would heap everything th*y could 
set their hands upon on our noble brows. 
I'd rather do the Maude Miller stunt for 

"T'nlh "1 heal of a man who has sued 
his w'ne for alimony." 

Francis— "We had better watch out, 

%^S!MKf£ ;er a million « 

in this country now allowed to vote. Just 
think of that. Things are coming our 

n Ss-'''Oh yes. and wnlle .there arc 
over a million women in this country 
n,w allowed to vote the..; are several 
women figured by the millions who are 
no° auowfd ... k/ep their husbands/' 

Dolly "Whv they ought to be allowed 
to keep their husbands. Do you want 
their husbands taken from them? 

p ranc is "Just wait till I get a bus 
band Jus1 Y«.u Wait. ' 

Dolly— "But my dear— I don t think i 
oTt-.ii ' ve tn be a hundred.' 
S, K „', i -"Our motto this leap year 
m ^ t an 1 e-If you don't first call a man 
whv try try again. There are as bg 
Idiots- 'in the world as women have in 

tl DoUv- "you" might be able to catch a 
married one and Then get busy and keep 
eiit of the way of his real wife. . 

Francis -"I want a widower for mine. 
T K wife has done the work of brow 
beating him into the resemblance of a 
1,'s and She has sort of trained bin 
flown to the Place where he will eat out 
of° y our hand and follow you around you 

ta rv5iv— "Gee. vim talk like be was an 
aiSnal Ko* rny cooking will fix me 
un w An mv hubby all right all right. 
"' , ; Ms " Your tooting it will fix him 
,,,.,, all right. I well remember that 
batch of h leuUs you baked and I threw 
,; of the window and near lv killed a 
poor man below who was carrying a small 
•;;,;, safe nn his head. Your some cook 
all risrht all right." ^« QO ~ and 

Dollv— "Talking aboul marriasw and 
p 11 1 that- von know T bad an uncle who 
was a professor and verv absent nund- 

,' He could eat th* fln^-s on the 
,.,,,,. :1 „.i spv it WP* fine pplprv 

Francis— "Oh y s I remember him. He 



took me shopping one when 1 was a 
and he got a hoid 01 a mut ooiored gftJ 
and luu.i her home instead 01 me. And 
mother hasn't spoite to your Uncle Duu- 
ley sinci . 

Dolly — "Thats him. Well, the nurse 
\\ ni into his study one day unci announc 
ed thai two little stranger's had arriv- 
ed. Uncle asked what little strangers. 
'Die nurse said why two little boys. M3 
uncle fussed about — -saying — 'Two little 
me then why don't you 
&■ nd them in?" 

Francis — "My little brother was sore 

e when we had a new arrival at the 

house. He said that ma must knew her 
business, but he dident see what in cre- 
ation we u nicd with a baby." 

Dolly— "My mother told me of an old 
woman she knew who called upon all the 
little strangers in town. She would look 
at them and exclaim — 'Why it is the very 
image of its daddy.' " 

Francis "I'm glad I dent look like 
your old man. Mjy father told your fath 
er one- to go on home and scare his 
own family with his face." 

Dolly- "Well, they put a bahv monkey 
in one crib— and of course the old woman 
said — 'lis the very image of its daddy.' " 

Francis T took a drive in the country 
the other day and as we came to a ere -k 
I asked 1 he old driver the name of it. 
The old fellow said it was Swimpsons 
1 ask him to repeat it, and he 
said it was Swompsons creek. Then I 
asked him again and he said it was 
Swumpsons creek?" 

Dolly— "Why dident you set him to 
whistle it for you?" 

Francis— "I couldent understand, so I 
ask him how you spelt it. Wall, hi 
some spelt ii one way and some spelt it 

iut in his own opinion 
warent no right of spelling it." 

Dolly— "If he had had a Consetina he 
might have played it over for you " 

Francis -"Why my brother once did an 
awful thing. Why Rob once killed— why 
he— he killed — " 

Dolly— "Yes, yes. go on and It me 
hear the worst." 

''Why he killed— his breath 
Sen Sen." 

lexl time I make a batter 
cakes I II , vour cra . 

mum. Thais just what you d -ser 
such remarks." 

Fran, -is "Then I shall 1 ecome a great 
hero. Just think of how 1 shall save the 
of all or those fo r whom vou are 
baking cak 
Dolly— "I dont use uncooked rici 

fritters (hough like -ou do 
What von know about cooking could be 
advertised on a stamp." 

' what I know about mak- 

" couldent he advertrised in a set 

oks such as an agent sells you at 

five down and a dollar a month for nexi 

two hundred years." 

Doliv "Youv said that so often that 
yon are beginning 1,1 believe it yourself 
1 ou 11 oe weai ing a rat next." 

Francis— "I hear that vou have a voice 
on you like Melba— the only trouble be- 
ing that vou have to give it out in con- 
densed form." 

Dolly— "Well. 1 tried a hunch of new 
songsover on the neighbors today and 
they dident kick — so what are vou kick- 
ing about." 

Francis— "I guess I rant belli it being 
as I am a bisrh kicker. You sure live in 
a great neighborhood — I guess I'll move 
out in that section." 

Dolly — "No you wont— the landlords de 
mand rent in advance." 

Francis — ''You must be paid mi for a 
year and they cant put vou out." 



"THE HOT AIR LINE." 

Talking Skit. Two Straight Males. Writ- 
ten by Edward L. Gamble. 

1 - i 1 1 — "Dou you know Jack, they can 
make shoes out of any kind of skins. 
Thats a fact." 

Jack- "Whata bout banana skins old 
pal?" 

Bill— "They make slippers out of them" 

Jack "You know a Missouri judge says 
thai a man has a perfect right to spank 
his wife." 

Bill — "And a man has also a perfect 
right to stick a pin in the hind leg 1 
a. mule — hut whwo wants to do thai 

Jack— "You know one time I taught 
seh, nil for several months. One day 1 
asked Johnny Jones to make me a sen- 
t ne,- containing the word dynamite." 

Bill — "I can make you one containing 
the words bitter end. The dog chased 
the cat under the table and bit her end." 

Jack — "Well. Johnny wrot out. My sis- 
ter Rose wotildent let ou kiss her,' but my 
sister Dinah might." 

Bill — "You know I took a trip over to 
England last summer — and I saw some 
funny things for sure. On a pub house 
it had a sign that read: yThis is a Free 
House, so 1 went in and ordered of the 
best. I refused to pay as that was a 
free house, but that bouncer was a 
peach." 

Jack (Laughing) — "That served you 
right — 'but if it had been me I would 
have went and told Mary or George on 
the sassy things." 

Bill — "A funny thing I saw was a strong 
brute who got very loud after being 
thrown out of a pub house — so two cops 
came up to take him off. But you should 
have seen that chap throw those cop- 
pers about. At the station house the man 
fined eight shillings and costs for gamb- 
ling." 

Jack — "I don't see how they made out 
that he was gam), ling." 

Bill — "Well, waseht he throwing 
pers ; iet '.'" 

Jack "I once owned a canary 
was so tame that it would sit on a good 
fish. Thats going- some." 

"Thais nothing. I ond 
1 that was so tame that it would 
sit on a percher. Just think of it. si 1 011 
• h." 
Jack " Well. \ "ii certainly did have 
the best bird to your notions. But my 
canarv could seven seven different 

hats nothing, mv parrot could 
■ ■ 1 1 ■ * . ■ ■ :s." 

in' ' . once had a 1 nend who 
in :_•,■! a divorce from his wife on the 

nd: 1 1 aught her a kissing the 

ice-man — but the judge after hearing tn 
ca«» would not grant it." 

Kill "It was a cold proposition a I 
— but why wouldent he?" 

Jack -"Well, the woman said thai she 
did kiss the ice-man — but that he nit 
them an extra hundr d every day — so 
whv should hubby kick?" 

bill That may be all right, as far as 

it 1 s— but suppose she would kiss the 

coal man — for an extra ton — and so on." 

Jack — "You know one time I had a 
dandy job — I used to work for t n> .• 
Same." 

Bill — "Coulden you get a job from any 
body but vour relations ? 

.lac'-' — "I was at a temnei ■•> m- ■ lecture 
the other night — and the speaker shouted 
out. Bet us not waste our time with the 
sma'l beer shoos and saloons — but let us 
go direct to the big breweries. A purple 
nosed gent sitting next to me shouted 
out. All right boos. I'll go right now." 

Bill — "I understand that you have a 
brother who is very much addicted tr> 
the nse o f strong drink, is that right?" 

Jack — "Well, he says that it used to 
s-=>em strong, but now it all seems mild. 
If he keeps en though he'll soon he using 
choloroform to drink." 



Bid — "I was iii a police court 
when a man had his wife up on a sad 
charge of giving him a sound thrashing. 
'Plit- woman told the judge that he hub- 
by deserved all he sot, as she saw him 
go in a saloon and actually drink down 
a foaming .'-■lass of beer — actually drink 
drink it down.-" 

Jack — "The mad brute— he should have 
been hung at the least." 

Bill — 'The judge asked her what she 
wanted him to do with it throw it up." 

Jack—"! was in the same place of bus- 
iness one day— and a colored lady want- 
ed a diverge against her husband. The 
judge asked her on what grounds — ana 
she said on anybodies grounds — as that 
fool nigger had got a job and said ..c . 
was a going to keep the family." 

Bill— "Well, well, it sounds like music 
to me." . 

Jack— "The judge told ner that she 
should thank the Lord for that — but she 
says that sue doesent want to b > the 
talk of the neighborhood — cause all the 
Women folks will say that she cant keep 
a husband." 

Bill — "I heard a little girl one day ask 
her mother if she had wings would she 
be an angel? Her mother said yes, but 
the little girl answered that if she baa 
wings she would not be an angel — but 
that she would be a fly." 

Jack — "When I was a kid going to 
school the teaeher asked that if she had 
the table how many would she have? 1 
five eggs in a basket and laid tnree on 
told her that she would then have eight." 

Bill — "I wouldent mind seeing a pretty 
teacher lay three eggs on a table. You 
know 1 looked up Ireland the other day 
and i was surprised at what a small 
cduntry as to size and population it is." 

Jack — "But just consider the annex 
it has over here on our police force. 1 
sow a cop run a man in the other day 
for spitting on the side-walk — for the 
cap said that the man had the tooth- 
and he would be giving it to every 
in the town begorrah. 

Bill— "I saw an Irish cop run in a man 

once because the fellow said that he wan 

an A. P. A. — the officed said thai he 

lent have laid hands on him if he 

had been an A P E." 

Jack — "Do you believe in tnal mar- 
my dear friend?" 

Bill— "well, all marriages are a trial. 
Woulden't it be a great idea for men 
to be allowed to trade off their wife to 
another man for his wife every one,, m 
a while though?" 

Jack — "And throw- in all the kids for 
good measui eh? But it woum lie just 
like a horse trade -both parties would ai- 
wavs get Stung." 

Bill — "I met a man yesterday whom i 
haderi't seen for a year and he sure 

glad tO See me." 

Jack -"Well, did you pay that twenty 
you have owed him all that tim.?" 

Bill — ' if I was to pay you all 1 owe you 
— they would soon be planting you neath 
the old willow tree where only the tree 
would weep for you." 

Jack — "Is that counting th,e inl iresl on 
Tiie deht, or not?" 

Bill — "I had a friend who had a darky 
in his employee for ten years — and the 
dark gentleman stole ten dollars out of 
my friends pocket. lie was found out 
and my friend torn him that he couldent 
understand why he would steal from him 
for the first time the sum of ten dollars 
after ten years of employment, 'i he dark 
gentleman said that was nothing. The 
congregation of his church could not un- 
d rstand why after twenty years of work- 
in' foh ..•ie Lord their preacher had skip- 
. pe dwith two hundred dollars." 

Jack — "You know one time i started in 
to be a detective — but the work was too 
hard on me — and I ended up witn msing 
a mere shadow." 

Bill — -"If you were a good shadow then 
you would make a better detective than, 
most of them. A man once told me that 
if I was ever in trouble not to seriu to, 
detective — for I might just as well send 
for my mother-in-law?' 



Jack — "My first case was for a forlorn 
wife. Her hubby was a traveling man for 
a drg-goods house and she sent me on 
his trail as he only came home once in 
six months. 1 had a pretty chase to find 
out that he knew every skirt and model 
from New York to Frisco — then 1 gol 
wise as to why he came home in six 
months only. I got in wrong several 
times and got mine." 

Bill— "What an interesting- experi 
you must of had." 

Jack — "It was all interesting and ex- 
citing sure. Then the traveling man took, 
up lingerie — and hasent been home since." 

Bill— "1 wonder if 1 can get the job he 
gave up in the first place?" 

Jack--"I also sold sewing machines once 
— but I was given six months in jail for 
carrying one around on my oaek without 
a stitch on." 

Bill — "Say — why do you always wear 
black socks anyway old chap? 

Jack — "Well, 1 only have one can of 
paint and that is block:" 

Bill — "I hear that you have a good tip 
on the races for today." 

Jack — "My best tip on the races is — 
dont play the ponies." 

Bill — "You cant lose any more on your 
tip than a bunch of rubes' do on a check- 
er game. 1 won fifty bucks on uie ponies 
yesterday though." 

Jack — "Then lets go out and have a 
good time together — while the going out 
is good. You owe me for that bit of ad- 
vice vou know." 

Bill— "You have as much nerve as the 
boarder that owed the landlady for three 
vears uoard — and who told her that he 
would pay her back every cent for back: 
board as soon as his fifty year old uncle 
as health" as a horse— died from old ag< 
and left him the fortune he might get. ' 

Jack— "That sure was the fluid extract 
of NERVE." 



THE lMARRIED STATE 

Talking Skitf or male and female. Writ 
ten by E. L. Gamble. 
i v, enti ie "Why did vou lead me to 
ih ■ altar at the point 'of a pistol and 
compel me to marry you, woman?" 
Soubrette — "Why you idiot — 1 n.< 
uch a thing." 

i ntric — "Then how in creation did 
gel me to marry vou?" 
Soubrette— "I guess it was my mon 
\ on wei e after." 

entric — "And I dident get what I 
was after — thats a cinch." 

Soubrette— "Does our friend Jent 
his wife quarrel as badly as they used 

Eccentric — "I should smile not. Why 
haven't a single cross word for 
other now a davs." 

Soubrette— "You don't mean it. And 
on earth did the miracle happen?" 

tuccentric— "They simply got a di- 
vorce.' 

Soubrette— "No home to mother for 
muh— caus dad don't make as much as 
you do." 

Eccentric "I was in a store the other 
day when a boy came in and asked for 
a pint of gasoline to run their auto with. 
The clerk told the boy that a pint of 
gasoline would not run an auto very 
long." 

Soubrette— (laughing)— "Not enough to- 
run over one man with." 

Eccentric — "The kid said that he knew 
that — but it would the automobile till 
dad came home with his fifteen a week 
to pay to buy more with. That's going 
some. , ,, . 

Soubrette- "Did you ever do anything 
besides act?" 

Eccentric— "I should smile. Why I 
used to be a detective. One day we 
were out on a case looking for a desper- 
ate criminal'. I saw a man come cringing 
and sneaking along — so I pointed him out 
to my fellow detective as the desperate: 



criminal we w-ere after." (Business?) 

Soubrette " k'es, y s. go <>n. go on." 
< Business > 

Eccentric "But my companion only 
burst out laughing. Why you old fool, 
In- roared, that only Brown— who mar- 
ried ;i widow with eight children of her 
own." 
Soub etti < juit your kidding." 
Eccentric— "A fellow told me the other 

day that his wife was i- rtainly soin.e Cl'l 

tured woman. Id- said that' she cor 1 . 1 
talk Spanish, German French and Eng- 
lish." 

Soubrette -"My, what an awful talk- 
er." 

Eccentric -"Yes, bul I to],] him that 
was nothing. My wife could talk in 
teen different languages — when I 
came home late at night." 

Soubrette- "I was on the street car the 
other daj and a pretty girl told the con- 
ductor she had left her pocket hook at 
home The con told her that it was all 
right- -to stay on. Sin- said Thank 
you sir. And the con answered — Don't 
htank me miss — hut thank that bull dog 
a sitting on your lap a yawning." 

Eccentric — "I stopped at a boarding 
house once — where at dinner the land 
lady beean to moan ami cry. She said 
tnat though her husband was a low 
down critter she had been worried to 
death since he had disappeared two days 
1' tore -and ending up with passing the 
hash." 

Soubrette -"Oh. the poor woman. Did 
you sympathize?" 

Eccentric — "I took some hash am I 
exclaimed — well if here aint his collai 
buttons. The guy next to me cried out 
And here's the very cuff button 1 gavt 
him myself. Oh you hash." 

Soubrette I tell you that I wouldent 
■Mrs. Jackson's shoe-- for a whole 
lot." 

nine "Aid why not — my deal 
wife." 

Soubrette "Becausi 5 'Sterday she told 
m* thai every single pair she had was 
worn out." t Business, i 

nitric-—" W'ha ts the use oi living 
anvwa v ?" 

Soubrette "No usi at all. Lets do 
awa> with ourselves." 

Eccentric — "All right. We'll move at 
once to — (Rube Town) 

Soubrette — " You knew I went over to 
Mrs Smith's for dinner the other day. 
Well I was telling her that my fore- 
fathers cam over on the May-Flower- 
and sti< told me not to talk so loud 
a I Mint it. 1 got sore and said I would 
get "i.it on the housetops and proclaim 
it." 

Eccentric "Whether it was the truth 
or not, eh. ' 

Soubrette — "But Mrs. Smith told me 
the reason why. She dident want Brid- 
get the cook to hear me — for Bridget's 
it grandfather was an Irish 
king." 

Eccentric — "Bass the linger howl 
please." 

Soubrette — "I read of a peculiar girl 
in the paper this morning who was rais 
ing frogs. Think of that." 

Eccentric "And I rlead of another 
girl whc was raising c tin Think of 
They would hoth take up a lot of 
gruond." 

Soubrette 1 was passing museum and 
side-show the other day— and stooped 
to hear the man in front speilit off b> 

the leal." 

Eccentric — "A woman uoes udmire 
man who can talk more tnan she can."" 

Soubrette "Tie speiler was bawling 
out that lie had en exhibition the ug- 
liest woman yes — in the whole wide 
world. A fellow from the audience cried 
out i ha t he was co^ ering too much ter- 
ritory. The spieler ought to s -e his wife 
in England once 

Eecenl rrc "lie was lik • the traveling 
ered t" much territorys o 
his wife' gol herself a divorce." 



Coubrette "And it strikes me (hat you 
cover too much territory.'' 

Eccentric "I see by the papers that 
women have come ti> rule a town out west 
Appointed women as fire— men — or fire 

worn n. But the town wi- get tired of 
I \| eases — df buying a certain ex- 
pensive article for these tire — women- 
all right." 

Soubrette "Now what will these fire- 
wom.-n wear so much of -that comes so 
high. I'd li'e t,, know'.'" 

I'Teeniii "Why silk stockings of 

I till se." 

Soubrette — "I think you ate going too 
far — in your remarks." 

Eccentric "I'm covering too mpch ter- 
ritory, I reckon." 

Soubrette — "You were Hitting with 
that girl today — now dcn't tell me 
lor 1 saw you." 

Eccentric— "Why I was simple admir 
ing that girl's hat. My fae ■ lighted up 
when i thought how swell you Would 
look in one. 

Coubiette — "I guess you had better 
tell that to my mother this evening. Sin- 
will know what to advise me." 

Eccentiic — -"I remembsr so well the 
time you and I were married in a lions 

Cage. It Seemed S" exciting tllCll hilt 

u wouldent now." 

Soubrette— ■**' I was talking to Dorothy 
today." 

Eccentric— "What did she have to say 
about me?" 

Soubrette — "Nothing she can't speak 
good of a person she keeps mum." 

Eccentric — "If you keep on a treating 
me like this I will get d ssperate. 1 will 
-," "in to your father's farm tomorrow 
and jump right down into his well and 
drowned myself." 

Souorette — "Now please don't do that 
hubby. Phase d..n't go out to my dad- 
dy's farm and jump down into his well 
and drown yourself." (Business) 

Eccentric — '\-.h. then you don't want 
muh do do that d sp.jet a te deed '.' 

Soubrette -"No indeed, because then 
latherwou Id have t" go a mile for drinK 
ing water." 

Eccentric Gee, I'll slap myself on tie 
wrist severely. But I'll kill myself new - 
If it is the last thing I ever do." 

Soubrette — "I'll put up the dough to 
supply your demise. Though all the 
widows may not be merry — they are at 
least all happy." 

Eccentric- (Business) -"Oh. you are so 

nd darling'. But one last request 
Whatever you do don't ..orget t" collect 
the insurance money — and divine it up 
with me." 

Soubrette- "Don't worry mother bird — 
I can fly." 

Eccentric — "And don't forget to plant 
things on my grave." 

SoubretU — "I'll plant ginseng on your 
grave its worth ten dollars a pound" 

Eccentric — "You certainlj are a busi- 
i. s- woman from the ground up." 

Soubrette — "And you will be a business 
man from the ground ilow n." 

Eccentric "But think I have to kick 
the bucket now whether I want to or 
not. I must be a myrtyr." 

Soubrette — "But just think of the big 
favor you will be doing your loving 
wife." ( Busin iss. ) 

Eccentric— "This is the last camel on 
the straws back." (Business.) 



"ADVENTURES OF A GENTLEMAN." 

Monologue For Straight Male. Written 
oy E. L. Gamble. , ■ 

You know I'm sort of a searcher for 
adventure— a chap who goes ou1 to look 
for that which is stranger than fiction. 
As a boy 1 was the regular village CUt- 
up and as a man I am out always in 
search of adventure. Weil I always find 
what I am looking for — trouble as the 
Dutchman said when he called the Irish- 
man an A. I'. A. 



Last summer 1 went to the sea-shora 
— 10 gel on a lan — and nisi ciay x got 
a lainiing iniougn tuning wiui a i 
ty gin — who Happened 10 have a cnap 
hanging around — who proved io oe nei 
husDanu. j. wouion t nave minded u 
so mucn it I nauciu or seen mat same 
woman in a baumig suit — «new — itnen i 
threw myselt into the Driny deep and 
had to ue rescued oy uie lue-saveis. 
'itien tne gii is an garnered aiuuno and 
kissed — tne me savcis. 

isexL oay tnougn i met a real peach in 
her ua Liang sun, i,ut sue v»asn l 
wearing as many domes as the pure 
loud law demands — out i gallantly di 
my blusnes in a buncn of roaes t uougnt 
lie — aim v. sia.uii out i01' a good Lime. 
She vowed mat siie had no nuouj — 
but alas — she had oec.ome engageil the 
aay oeioie lo a lue-saver — <<i.u win,-. 
he' got through w im me 1 sure did 
llueo a liu-Mii .-r. 

vvitn gieat uisguest I left the girls 
to otheis and hit tne tiowing rowi tor 
my only companion tor me next two 
days. then on sueii a Drignt morn- 

ing I appeared upon the beacn in pa- 
jamas and sucn a mee pair ol spy glass- 
es. As 1 looived thiougn these out upon 
the mighty ocean l gave a greatest ol 
wild snouts and begged everybody to 
draw neign. 1 told me excited crowds 
who gatiieied around that through my 
glasses t could see amonster sea-serpenl 
the real articli — only ten times worse. 
Women feinted while strong men at 
once seized my glasses and tried to 
find the monster. They could not get 
the rignt focus though — for 1 was tne 
only boy who knew wh ire i<> look to 
find the demon of the deep. Then they 
1 wore a weird look and a pair of pa- 
jamas — so more women feinted — while 
otheis gathered "closer— and then two 
husky y.ouths escorted me back to my 
hotel. 

The next morning I shook the sand 
of Atlantic City from my feet — a 
might say — and took a fast express to 
Philadelphia. I signed three ol idges dur- 
ing tin- ride over — hut 1 am afraid" that 
none of them took. And 1 wanted to 
look out of the windows so had — but 
with such a head as I had on that was 
impossible. Then such an innocent 
y©ting girl smiled faintly at me from 
across the isle — and 1 returned her smiles 
witli interest — until we were cuddled up 
in the same seat talking about the time 
we dident have at the dear old sea-shore. 
Her father had been called from Atlan- 
tic City the week before -leaving her 
alone — so it is no wonder 1 took the 
blue eyed girlie to my manly bosom. 
At the station though she disappeared 
in a very strange manner — and when 
I looked at my watch — I swore — straight 
ened my tie- — pin vamoused— and my 
pockets had even given up their burdens. 
All I had left was my gold plated false 
teeth and an empty suit case — I gave her 
the contents of the suit ease for going 
arid getting hei a drink of water. Noah 
Webster had never been in my predica- 
ment — or he would have written a big- 
ger dictionary. 

As it was i made out with a regular 
vocabulary — and then going up to a cop 
I told him my troubles. I told him the 
sad story of how I had been robbed in 
the car during my ride over— the sweet 
innocent girl I accused outright — but the 
cop listened to the bitter end — then gave 
me a shove in the face and told me to 
go while the going was good. But I was 
persistant— so he advised me to drink 
only chasers in the future — and not to 
overwork poor police-men who had to 
stand at a corner all day — asleep. Then 
we had it hot and heavy — belie\ 
When I came to I was lying on a lit- 
tle cot in a cage in a darkened apart- 
ment. A doctor came and said that he 
thought I would live — if I was removed 



at once to the hospital. At th i advance 
agent tor the morgue 1 was waiteu on 

by such a swell little nurse that 1 soon 
forgot my troubles. She at once vowed 
that 1 was her affinity — that her hus- 
band was a perfect brute — that was why 
she had left him — then she .egan to 
make love to me very desperately. I 
noticed that the physician watched her 
very closely — and one day he told me 
that he feared she was going off her 
noodle. Well, she went off t..e very next 
day — for I saw her chasing the same 
doctor around with an amputating knife 
— I lay there trembling a thousand 
trembles a minute. And 1 - eard her 
screem that she would save her affinity 
from death at the hands of the doctor 
vidian. 1 told trie next nurse that I was 
feeling like a two year old — that I could 
leave the place at once. She said that 
it was impossible to discharge me from 
the job for a few days — but that I could 
now'get up and walk around. So I gladly 
stretched my legs — that afternoon — yes— 
I did stretch them — for I met my for- 
mer nurse — who had in some manner 
escaped — and she fell weeping on my 
neck. Then she decided .we tow must 
die together — and she pulled out a razoi 
in a business-like manner. I stopped to 
ask no question — but took the advici 
of the cop and left while the going was 
good. 1 never dreamed that a man 
could run so fast 1> 'fon — for my very 
shoes began to smoke — as she urged me 
on with blood thirsty cries for my lire. 
I left her far behind -and soon found 
myself out in the country — where the 
birds were singing the latest songs — and 
all that sort of things. 

As you can imagine I was hardly clad 
for a 'country tour — but I'd had loo much 
and then some of city life— so I meand 
eri d on in search of some quiet village. 
This I found as the sun was siking in 
the sink— nnd the first individual I met 
was an old maid— -who gave one look 
at me and then f led ' in search of the 
town constable. The mighty hand of 
the law descended upon me by gosh — 
and he run me in — saying that I was the 
husband oi a salome danc r. 1 told the 
old constable that I was going to marry 
a salome dancer — but she wiggled out 
of it. He said he dident blame her fur 
it — begosh — and we containued on our 
way to tin- lockup. The old maid fol- 
lowed as near as she could get — she said 
she wanted to Vie sure that justice was 
done — and that a man who was evil 
enough to run around with hardly any 
clothes on should be sent to prison for 
life. The idea of scaring to death such 
a young innocent girl as herself in such 
a brutish manner. 

That night I stole out from the single 
rickety cell and while the constable he 
slept with a big pistol close by his side 1 
helped myself to his entire wardrobe. 
Then I stole out into the night — and by 
morning' was in another fair hamlet. 
But alas — I had no cash — so I hit upon 
a plan. Stopped several autos that came 
through the village — and being dresser? 
as the constable worked a graft — the 
banding over of a five for not arrest- 
ing them. I got enough to keep me for a 
week by noon — so I managed at the gen- 
eral store to get rigged out in some kind 
of shaoe -and then I took a train to a 
linger town nearby — as my terrible plot 
mieM be discovered at any moment. 

While looking over the new burg I 
met a young man just returning from 
nling in a gentle game of football. He 
had a black eve— so I kidded him about 
sonic nlaver handing him a black eve. 
He just grinning nnd tanning his pocket 
said that it dident worrv him about 
that Having giving lvm a black eve — as 
he had tb" fellow's ear in his pocket. 

I stenned into a general store — bis: de- 
p-i '■! inei-it hotiso — to have a look at the 
giil clerks and saw a Dutchman pac- 



ing back and forth. A floorwalker step- 
pi d up to iimi and ask u ne was looK- 
nig tor soni.ining in mens clothes, trie 
said that ne was looking tor something 
in women's cloi nes— nis vt ife. 

A gnl clerK would hardly take a prize 
at a oeauty show asked me it shis could 
do anytnmg tor — and just to jolly her 
1 told her thai she certainly couid do 
something for me- she could marry me. 
Without losing much time she put on 
Jar nat and coat and coming forth 
grabbed me by the arm and yelled to 
the floorwalker thai she was going- to 
quit — and go and get married — then I 
was dragged into the street and she mad.' 
a bee line for the ministers. 1 decided 
that she was going too iar — so I slipped 
• bj lei teing her keep my coal for a 
relic of the time she n arly got a man 
— and beat it. 

1 bought another coal but not her 
store— and then kept away from that 
district. Just at dusk l happened to spy 
a note at my feet and picking it up — 
I read it. I found that it was a love 
epistle and that some beautiful maiden 
ask a certain young man to meet her at 
lite left side of the postoffice going 
north — that she much see mm at once. 
Scenting adventure and romance I de- 
cided to be on hand and have some fun. 
'in hand I was with bells on — and as I 
arrived at the stated time up she came — • 
a stately looking maiden heavily veiled. 
With a cry of joy I whispered that I — 
iar John had come in reply to her note — 
I'd she was soon cuddled up in my arms. 
Then she said she would give me the 
kiss I bagged for — and threw back her 
veil. By all the girls I have ever met 
was as black as the ace of spades. 
When L came to I vowed never again 
In go forth in search of adventure. 



■SOURKROUT." 

ogu :. Written by B. I. 

Ga 1 1 : 

When 1 first to this United SI 

came, a fellow told me to go up to an- 

one and tell him that he was a 

e thai would please him al 

i so- smilling all the while 

1 gu hi tried to knock 

mine head off of mine shoulders vith- 

very fatally. "I did vith- 

stood the insult and ba'ttercake vith 

if I did it mine: 
and then 1 got up mine Irish and start- 
el to try and his frau live bj herself 
-st of her days— if she n<-\ e) 

ing another fool to marry 
her. 

^ fellow patted h n thi back af- 

ti rwards the light and calling me 

scout wain lo know if 1 was a 
Dutchman. I told him no. 1 vas a Chin- 
iman couldenl he see that 1 • 
boxer ; 

I vanted to go to a good hotel— so a 
i M address gave in.- but vhen I did 
got there I found min self in a livery 
-Mole. The proprietor was a sassy duck 
He said that he had enough jack asses 
in the stable in— vithout boarding me. 
I told him to go on home and scare his 
own family vith his face— not to impose 
on the whole public. He mad got and 
said he v. mid make mine head spin 
around on mine shoulders just like a 
top — and I told him not to something 
start that he couldent finish. Then his 
wife m came and we both kissed her and 
mad^ up. He wanted to know vhat I 
vould do if mine frau did not cook me 
vhat I vanted at meals. I tole him if I 
had a wife and she did thot I vould 
order a keg of beer— make a barrel of 
sourgrout and live happily ever after-' 
wards. 

I got a job next day in a pretzel fac- 
tory as head designer. Thot vas n gooa 

12 



— job and vone worthy of an artist — 
ve me. lucre vos a most beautiful 
girl a vorking next to me — that frauline 
kept throwing her big eyes blue over 
to me till I got tired of catching them. 
'i hen a young Irishman came to vork 
is— and he made love to Caroline 
v'hile 1 vorked. Then I got myself ues- 
i vone day and popping down my 
Knees on I just proposed to her there in 
broad daylign... The Irishman Pat got 
down his knees on and plead louder 
111:111 I could. Poor Caroline to prevent 
var betwixt two such great countries 
said s,." vould not promise either — that 
instead she vould marry the vone thot 
had the money most by vone month from 
LuOt fatal day. Pat and me passed com- 
plaints to each other from thot day on. 
I told him that I knew an Irishman who 
couldent lick a stick of yellow candy — 
and he said he knew already a Dutch- 
man who couldent lick the guy who 
■ oul .ent lick a stick of yellow candy. 
\V did have such joyness. Then ve be- 
gan to save up der coin of the realm 
like it vos worth having. I got so 
tightness it nearly broke 
mine heart to spend a nickel vonce a day 
tor a glass of— not vater — and a free 
lunch. 1 vent to thot proprietor of thot 
livery stable and got to sleep in the hay 
lofe for nothings. And thot saved my 
barber expensiveness — for the rats chew- 
ed oft' mine beard each night. I ate so 
less thot I began to look like a defecitive 
toward the month last — a mere shadow. 
.Mine own mothed vould not have known 
or a living skeleton in a siue-show. 
1 diil not dare to look in the glass for 
fear of getting discouraged and throw- 
ing up the sponge, Thot Pat did not 
save like I did — so I vos happy — though 
Caroline said thot I skeered her half 
to death. — Then the night before the last 
lay I counted mine coin with great joy 
ent to bed with a stomach so empty 
hot I vas ashamed to look it in the 
1 did hear a noise doing th i night 
— but you always hear noises in a livery 
did not bother to wake up, 
I >er next morning though I found to 
mine horrors and terrors thot mine mon- 
ey had vamous d I called in seven polices 
and they found nothing 1 ut a penny 
and gave 'em that for their kindness 
and went at last to vork in a rage. 
Pat and Caroline was making love for ail 
orth — 'out I said nothings. Then 
in Caronne said ve should 
mow her our moneys — and she take tne 
winner. I told her nothing doing- — and 
I hoi blam • Pa1 null d out such a big 

moi e than I had ived arid vi get the 

;ame oline sa id he had vone 

and thot evenings they vos married. 

I ite a f.\v nails for supper — and deeid- 

1 d (o boai d a t tin- stable till pay day. 

The next morning th" bride and hroom 
i'ere there— and Caroline kissed me — and 
Pal came up and said he vonted a few 
\ "ids vith me. Alone he handed me the 
vad of money I had lost — and then vith 
much iaughter told me he had only bor- 
rowed it for a day — thot vas all. 

But thot was not all — for when we re- 
turned Caroline did not know her hus- 
hand of a few hours — thot was all. 

Igo t a joh next in a flour mill a tramp 
ing ou der grain mit mine heavy shoes 
- and [ \ anted to do it in mine bare feets 
so as not to soil def pour so — that der 
miller said no — he was not trving to 
make Hmberger cheese by a short vavs. 
He said as it vos mine feet were dead 
and he dident think he could use me 
very long— but I told him that mine feet 
vere only asleep. He said it vould be 
better if thev vos dead— then I could go 
"tit and bury them. 

Rut I did fool him bv buving a gallon 
of toilet vaters— and using it very freely 
both internally and externa llv— till he 



began to complains of me ;i smelling too 
good. I told him uiot 1 did not come 
there to be smelled like a ro3e— but to 
be vorked like a horse. 

Thot miller he had a daughter who 
vos no beaut and about forty or more 
of age wno t'os alvays a hanging 
around making e\ es at me. Thie oiu 
boy told me 1 vos welcome to hei and 
der fortune her mother hau lift her- 
because she couldent take it vith her — 
but'vone good look at her unbecoming 
face makes me determined to stay single 
fur the rest of mine natural gass days. 
.Cut she vould make luff to me — and vone 
bright day she caught me alone — and gel- 
ling down on her old squeeky knees she 
told me thot being as it vos leap year 
she vould ask me for mine hand. Vhot 
could I do boys — just picture yourself 
in such a dilemity — but blush and told 
her I vould try ami make her a good 
husbands. 

The day of the veddings approach cl 
vithout good cheer — for 1 vos in to marry 
thot pld Century plant — and no mistakes. 
I learnt down at the gineral store thot 
the old girl had been trying to catch a 
man for ny on to twenty years — but the; 
had all had the nerves to turn her down, 
it seemed like a dream — a night-mare — 
thot day vhen I stod in der dear tittle 
church — and as there vos a vindow i 
near me I suddenly gets up der nerve — 
and without evens saying goodby — I goes 
out just before* the ceremony — and takes 
to der voods for mine. 

A boy down der road asks me if 1 
had just escaped from jail — and I told 
him vorse than thot. Then as 1 vos 
sauntering along a boy came galloping 
up and told me thol a big crowd vos a 
hunting for a man of mine inscription. 
The lad said he had heard an old woman 
call me a robber — and thot being as he 
vented to be a robber vhen he growned 
up he vanted me to yet avay— so I vent 
h..e the going vos good. As 1 dashed in- 
to a town I could hear them drawing 
nearer — so like the hunted thing 1 vos 
I rushed up to der new jail and dashing 
into the sherifs office told him thot J vos 

criminal — and for him to 
me in his si i cell. 1 reckon I 

thol he though 1 l vos bugs 
anyvay — so he did as requested. Thot 
rtgs when a flunkej 

< confessed the 
whole business— and the sheriff I 
him— I oke on me — 

Frei i i"ok der next t rain 
for the nearest vicked city — no more of 
thol country life for mine. It vos 
quiet, 

I roamed der streets of a city next 
day — trying to find work. I vent into a 
drug store- to buy some salt — to eat an 
apple. I had vith. The druggist \ 

dancing around in high gl -and vhen 

I ask him about his happiness he just 
laffed fit to kill. Then he told me thot 



last \ inter a plumb. -r had come twice 
to thaw out his frozen soda water pipes 
i thot the same plumper had just 
sent in two prescriptions to be filled. 

1 hit der druggist for a job — and got in 
as porter. All I had to do vos to vork 
twenty-two hours a day — and be care- 
ful \ hot 1 did vith the oth r two. But I 
knew I could learn der drug business 

and then l could sell vater at der 
prices. One day der clerk got sick and 
had to go hone' so he told me to rait 
on trade as best 1 could. A man came 
in for two ounces of sugar of milk — and 
about half an hour afterwards came 
ing in again. He said thot I had 
given him two ounces oi carbolic acid— 
and he had taken the bottle. I told 
him not to vorry — as I vould give him 
two ounces of sugar of milk for notings 
— as ve vould always corre'ct mistakes. 

A woman came in and vanted me to 
mix her up a portion — as her daughter 
was in love vith a soft guy — who she 
dideht vaiit her to marry — and she vant- 
ed somethings to give him so he vould 
luff her daughter no more. I mixed up 
six ounces of everything I could find 

and told her to feed the young man on 
thot — and I felt sure he could never luff 
her daughter — or anyone elses ■ daughter 
no more. 

A girl came in who had the St. Vitis 
dance — and she did it so much thot she 
got me a doing it — and I couldent stop I 
started in to drink some whiskey — to 
break it up. I got it broke vhen I got 
good and full — the drug man came in as 
trying to sell a boy paregoric ?or 
the rheumatism — so he gave me der 
grand bounce. 

I am now in search of a good job — 
anythings vhich is dishonest — so let me 
"know if you don't hear of anythings. 



••THERE'S NOTHING ELSE IN LIFE 
LIKE LOVE." 

M. Witmark & Sons, Publishers. New 

York City. 
lln -Land 

Hush — my wit'ie darling creature 

Big of frame and feature 

Signal there no donger. 
Wife 

You've forgot what I've told you 

I shall each night scold 

So hide in the manger. 
1 1 usband 

Come now— to my arms now 

Fault is all tl 

Who made me drink joys. 

Why man must you make- me cry 
By drinking schooners ahoys? 

Nil'S 

Oh please don't talk, talk, talk to me 
And try to mock, mock, mock, poor me, 

We swore we'd never fight 

That wedding night 
All dreams just like our ntoneyn 

So whats {he use, use I pray, 

To lie SO , lOOSe 1 

L-ets out it out for lit': 
And love. love. love. 



DEC # 19* 



"KISS ME, HY MONEY KISS ME." 

Ted Snydei Co. Publishers. Parody by 

K. L. Gamble. 
My little honey 

She wails at home boys 
She arts so funny 

When 1 do roam boys — 
She'll give me a cain boys 
She'll she me a cain boys 

So I'll return to her. 

CHQRUS 

Miss mi. My honey miss me b 

Ami say you'll throw dear 
No mote those things — 
Love me — my honey kiss me 
Let stars not shine dear 
Me poor head rings 

Every night sweetheart bright 
I'll be home early wifie elearie 

Don't make me weary 
By throwing- chairs dear 

At my poor head — 
Don't go home to your mother 

No other have I 

Wifie, 1 Love You. 



"MY HERO" From The Chocolate Soldier 

Remick & Co. publishers. Parody by B. 
L. Gamble. 

Will had a squit eyed ugly wifie 

He was a henpecked man poor scout — 

She mad it rought for him on life's sea 
He knew not what he was about — 

To make life wi ent for mother 

And for 'Will's happiness she'd c 

Tln-y toroured him one then th< other 
Oh happy Will— both , iy — 

Oh happy Will— both went away 

CHORUS 

Come, come, l love you only 

My kate so true — 
Come, Come, my wife is roaming 

I long for you — 
Come, Come, soon she'll return dear 

My arms are aching' for you they burn 
dear 
Today Be Mia. 

Come. Come, for you I'm lonely 
Come., Shero Mine. 



"ITS NICE TO BE NICE TO A NICE 
LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU." 

Jos. Morris Pub. Co. Broadway Theatre 

Bldg. New York. Parody By E. L. 

Gamble. 

She was a neat little sweet maid' n 
girlie — 
Her age was Forty Two— 
But though she schemed and she dream- 
ed late and early — 
No beau said he'd be true; 
Ami one day she met a man 
lie had just got the can 
Jus': out of a prison he had come — ■ 



When she met him face to face 
She proposed this darling Grace 

li ■ wanted him for her own chum. 

CHORUS 

Its nice to be nice to a rich little girl 
like you — 
I'd be twice- twice as n ii-< • 
If your age was under forty two — 
lou can keep me in my style dearie 

V, 1. mi for me you fall 
And when married then no more I"l 

wearo a dollar Ingersoll — 
Oh, it:, nice to be nice to a Rich Little 
Girl Like You. 



"SADIE SALOME" (GO HOME) 

Tew Snyder Co.. Publishers 112 >.'. 3Sth 
St. New York City. Parody by E. L. 
Gamble 
M,'zi- Plaza left unhappy home 
Just to try her luck up the stage — 
So he told the folks she came from 

Rome 
Just to make ili.. man all o'er her 
crazy — 
When she hit one lung she caught poor 
Mos 
Who forgot lie had a wife name Hose; 
Eut his wife she saw that girl 
.Vaole that woman's head now whirl 
As she uii and did these here worlds 
hurl. 

CHORUS 

Don't throw those la mils I tell you I dy 

I m only honest Mrs. Bradj 

It only your line clothes 
Most all your clocking hose 

Oh, oh, oh, thats caught my a! 
You'd better go and do as Ro-r.e does 
Trying just now to make my homo l.r.zz; 

Don't bring me to disgrace 

Or else I'll spoil your face 

Lady from Rome go home 



"WINTER" 
Remlick & Co. New York — Detroit. Paro- 
dy by E. L. Gamble. 

Winter time am chicken timje 

coasting time and frying time — 
Thats the time I love 
When your lady love says Sam 

I'se so tired of eatin' ham 
Chicken to me shove — 
Hear those sleigh bells ring 
chicken tonight bring. 

CHORUS 
Winter Winter That the time to steal 

Chickens by the reel 
In October and November and Decem- 
ber sure remember 
Winter Winter 
When the farmer am a snoozing 

Mid the covers so warm You- take 
those pullets 
Danger small from bullets When its 
Winter. 



14 



"THAT MESMERIZING MENDELS- 
SOHN TUNE." 

Ted Snyder Co., Publishers 112 W. 38th 

St. New York City. Parody by E. L. 

Gamble 

Funny business to be standing out here 

at night 
Won't you com- out to the door dear 
and bring a light? 
Hum. Hum. < >h this beautiful night in 
June — 
If you ever loved me Please now lets 
not sever 
Lord, 1 wish my head would quit go- 
ing round forever — 
Hum, hum. < )h that looring old moon 
My honey. 

CHORUS 

Let me com.- into the house out here I 

cannot see 
Cheese it honey please now dearie love 
me again — 
Hiss no more about your mother 
Or a wife I'll get another 
Your the only woman that did e'er ap- 
peal to me 
This tantalizing hypnotizing moon will 
drive me clear out of tune. 



"BILLY" 



Kendis & Paley — 1367 Broadway — New 
Jfork City. Parody by E. L. Gamble 

Now when I was a maiden I was feeling 
glad 
Dreaming of a wedding day — 
There was a guy I loved but he fell oul 
with dad 
For father must have his say — 
Though I still love my uearest Jack 
Dad said No — don't bring him back 
For I daughter will bring home just 
the boy to love 
So I married Bill DeMack. 

CHORUS 

Now when I walk I've got to talk wltn 
Billy 
Cause Billy has me as his wife — 
I'd like to talk — With someone else than 
Billy 
Caus-e Billy says his nerves I shock — 
And each new cook She always flirts 
with Billy 
I guess he thhftts he pays the hill 
And when I sleep — I'd like to sleep 
Each night without that Hill. 



•GALLAGHER' 



>tu: 



N( . w 
>iC to 



Von Tilzer Music Pub. Co 
lay. when Gallagher went 
save the day 
He had on his made to order clothes — 
Saturday, when Gallagher lie saw youns 
Kitty Grey 
She had on her made to tailor clothes — 



He looked the girlie over as , c strolled 

along the si re t 
Till one fellow said that masher no one 
her can beat 
And then his girl went with Gallag- 
her 
ll< dident have in speak. 
He had forgot about young Kitty Grey. 

CHORUS 

Mash that wwas Gallagher Mash thats 

the boy 
Whenever they see him it fills girles 
with joy 
Mike you son of a gun Mike 
Flike shouts the other hoys say you've 
got your nerve 
You can save your breath I think 
For he'll give your girl the wink 
Because you cant turn the Irish down. 
Parody by E. L. Gamble. 



"ANGEL EYES." 



Shapiro Publisher. Cor 39th & Broadway. 

New York <'ity. 

Since ' I married dearie Mabel Greenleaf 
Angel cake. I've longed for angle cake — 
She can't bake 'em fining me with much 
grief 

For a slice as big as Erie Lake — 
Naught it matters whether sun or moon- 
light 
Just the same I smell it calling me — 
For she never hakes that batch of tune- 
light 

CH( >RUS 

So I sling this melody. 
Angel Cake Good angel cake 

Angel cake Sweet angel cake — 
When I smack my limps upopn my fav- 
ored dough 
Seems to me that time may many 
years ago, 
Angel cake, my mouth now sighs 
Angel cake for thou it sighs 
The dope my wife now bakes the whole 
year through 
Nix, reminds me of you angel cake. 
By E. D. Gamble. 




15 



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